I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year now. Yes, it’s an online one. I’ve seen her, I know her voice well, we talk all hours of every day pretty much. It’s circumstance and her not quite being able to catch a plane yet that prevents us from being in person, but fixing that’s basically our main focus at the moment. Within the next year, hopefully. Still, even 3,700 miles away across the ocean, love hormones crop up.
As we’ve gotten more comfy with each other and realize more of what we want, I realize just how fucked a lot of relationships really are. I’m sure you’ve seen that shit, two people who clearly don’t like each other but are still in it. They fight constantly. They’re codependent. They don’t work shit out, and they don’t grow.
Humans have some of the most complex mating rituals I’ve seen of any species whatsoever. That pesky high-level thought functionality completely steers mate selection past base sexual attraction. People want and need things in a partner, things you’ll only find out right there with the right person, and sex is a tiny portion of it. We’re emotional creatures. If you’re not basically best friends with the person you fall in love with (and obviously, it’s more than a friendship), I just can’t see what you’re in for really working.
It’s strange. I think sexual liberation (casual sex and trying out strings of partners, dedication and intimacy be damned) has devalued relationships. I’m sure I’m not the first one to think that, but I’m the first one I know who’s thought that. On the flings and stands end of things, I just don’t understand how anyone finds it appealing. When shit like that gets serious, it seems like an utter lack of reverence for just how important the choice of a partner really is.
For the former, maybe it can all be summed up by one of my favorite words, “degeneracy”. I’ve seen way too many weirdos both online and off who are too focused on the sex aspect for comfort. Sex sells, people have libidos. I have one. I just don’t get how it can be a driving force for so many people, especially people my age. No doubt the internet hasn’t helped, pressing everything up and making everything skin deep. (I have to wonder if people in the age of Playboy knew that was all just fap fuel and not a replacement for a proper relationship, because it seems to be something we’ve forgotten here in the Current Year.)
I remember how, during my first year of college, a pretty well-liked and friendly and connected guy working the desk in my dorm said something to the effect of “it’s college, you’re supposed to experiment” in regards to orientation. It’s such a bizarre and kinda nasty mindset to me, like just trying gay sex or pegging or freaky shit is supposed to bring about this enlightenment and you’re supposed to try it. People largely know what they want if they’re far enough ahead in development to want sex, and for someone like me who was still questioning my overall orientation, I wasn’t ready for sex anyway. You don’t magically realize you have a thing for gay dudes after getting plugged by one is what I’m saying.
It’s like there was this big movement in the 60s and 70s where people went ham on free association and loving who you want, which is all fine and good and I support it completely, and instead went to the other extreme of trying absolutely everybody. If they’re an adult, is it their right? Absolutely. Not proposing any kinda legal hand wringing over it. I just can’t imagine that’s healthy for those love hormones I mentioned. Our biology is set up for us to get attached to mates in order to properly raise children. Tons of casual sex basically exploits that biology for what end, getting off? You don’t need another person to get off. And every time you exploit those love hormones? They become less and less potent. After the fifth or sixth partner, how is it even special anymore? How are you not fucking jaded?
On the more serious end of things, the undue emphasis on sex in relationships has probably spooked a whole lot more kids than one might expect. I’ve seen a lot of kids my age who have no clue just how much baggage comes with the dedication of a relationship and run headfirst into walls every time, or think that their current lack of interest in sex makes them weird. They retreat into the internet, looking for other spooked kids, they come up with a name for their “affliction”, and the lack of understanding propagates.
Take “demisexuals”, as an example. It’s a completely ridiculous, made up term born entirely out of the confusion of sexual liberation. It’s an attraction only to people you have a deep emotional connection to, to which I can only say…no shit! That’s how it’s supposed to be!
And right then and there, we get into the meat of things. There are probably thousands of kids out there between the confused and fearful ages of 13 and 20 who have no idea how important and how emotional properly dedicating yourself to a person is. They look at a culture that emphasizes cheap, shitty sex, they look at that and go “well, I don’t want that, I must be asexual”, and they stay in arrested development.
Everyone develops differently. Some people (see the degenerates I was referring to in the previous section) want sex right at the dawn of their teenage years. I’m pushing 21 and I’m still not terribly into it. (I also never thought I’d be into the thought of kissing and handholding, but there you go.) If you’re autistic, you’re most likely gonna develop later (assuming you don’t have bad autism and shrug off your first kiss for a dicking…), and that’s fine! There’s nothing wrong with that! Has no one ever thought to tell these kids that relationships aren’t supposed to work off pure sexual attraction? I guess not, because some of them seem to think because they’re not 8/10 or up, they’re not appealing, so they stay home or stay casual about it, never once taking that scary leap into anything bigger.
Caby and I work on pretty much every single level. We banter constantly. We kick around opinions and long-winded discussions constantly. Our ideas bloom out of us being more in sync than I’ve ever been with a person. We’re a huge comfort to one another. I’ve grown with her, and she’s grown with me. We have the same goals in life. And yes, we want the same things romantically and sexually, but you see what I’m getting at? We’re friends, we’re creative partners, we’re emotional support, and we want a future together. Partners are so much more that you can’t really afford to say “fuck it” and pick the first person you see.
Right now, I’m preoccupied with being with the girl I love. I’m thinking about sleepycore and dozing off on each other. I’m thinking of wandering and rambling to one another, holding hands and kissing. Touchy stuff is only just showing up. We don’t really have strange kinks, we’re vanilla as all get out. We’re romantic fucking dweebs and it’s great, I’m unapologetic about it. The reason love has so many cliches is because it’s universal. People’s shitty attempts to have irony in their relationships is absolutely horrendous.
People avoid fixing problems or communicating or being patient or understanding needs. Every time Caby and I have had an issue between us, it’s worked out either that night or slowly over a few days. We realize the weight of this. We wanna be dedicated. We’re best friends, but it’s not just a friendship. We want to make sure living together works. We wanna make sure marriage works. The only way you do that is through patience, communication, and care. If two spergy, traumatized weirdos online who never thought they’d ever experience love can do it, people in person have no excuse.
I guess if there’s anything I’m trying to get at in this ramble, it’s that there’s tons of dweeby girls and doofy guys out there who are perfectly normal, just a little autistic and strange. They need care and they need to find the right person for them to grow. My advice, essentially: find a hobby, one little thing you like and you’re good at. Work on friends first and be there for them. Caby and I didn’t jump in until five months into being close. There’s no guarantees on finding that person, so don’t actively look. Just be appealing to be around and stable. When it happens, take it slow and communicate. Don’t run at the first sign of trouble.
This is boring and preachy as fuck, but I guarantee you it’ll work.
Tags: We Live in a Society,